Asking Their Family Before You Propose: Who to Ask, When and How

For many people, the question of whether to ask their partner's family before proposing is almost as nerve-racking as the proposal itself. It's an old tradition, and one that some families still hold dear. For others it feels dated, or simply doesn't apply.

There's no right answer, so here's how I'd think it through, who to ask, when and how, and what to do when it isn't straightforward.

Do You Need To?

Not necessarily. Asking is a custom, not a rule, and what matters is whether it would mean something to the people involved. A few questions can help you decide:

• Does your partner's family have traditions around this?

• Would it matter to your partner that you asked?

• Would you feel better knowing you had their blessing?

• Is your partner close to their family, or is it a more complicated relationship?

If the answer to most of those is yes, it's probably worth doing. If your partner would hate the idea of anyone being asked on their behalf, it's better to skip it.

Who Should You Ask?

Think about who the most important people are in your partner's life. For some, it's both parents. For others, it's a single parent, a grandparent, a sibling, a guardian or a close friend who feels like family. Ask the person or people whose opinion your partner would genuinely care about, rather than whoever tradition says you should.

If you're not sure, a sibling or close friend of your partner will often tell you who matters most.

When to Ask

Ask early enough that people have time to take it in, and late enough that the secret doesn't have to be kept for months. A week or two before you plan to propose is plenty for most people. If you're planning a proposal in the coming weeks, my guide to keeping a proposal secret covers how to stop the news getting out.

Mention clearly that it's a surprise, and ask everyone not to say anything to your partner.

How to Ask

Face to face is best if you can manage it, but a phone call or video chat is perfectly fine if the family lives far away. It's not a formal speech. Say what they mean to you, tell them how you feel about their family member and tell them what you're planning. You might say something like, "I love them very much and I'd like to ask them to marry me. It matters to me that you know first."

A handwritten note works too, particularly if you'd find it hard to say it aloud. And if you're better at saying what you mean on paper, you'll enjoy my guide to writing a proposal love letter.

Permission or Blessing?

There's a difference between asking for permission and asking for a blessing, and it's worth deciding which one you mean before you start. Permission suggests that someone else makes the decision. A blessing says that you'd like them to share in your happiness. Most people today mean the second, and saying so makes the conversation much easier for everyone, particularly if the person you're asking is nervous or emotional.

If someone does have reservations, listen to them properly. The decision to marry belongs to the two of you, but a calm, honest conversation now is far better than a difficult silence later.

What if It's Complicated?

Not every family is straightforward. Perhaps your partner isn't in touch with some of their family, or you're worried about how they'll react, or you don't get along with them. You're allowed to put your partner's wishes first. If you aren't sure, ask your partner's closest person and follow their lead. You can always invite more people into the celebration afterwards.

Involving Family on the Day

Some people want family close by when they propose. A few options:

• Ask them to arrange to be nearby for the celebration afterwards, such as a meal booked for later.

• Plan for a phone call or a video chat straight after the question has been asked.

• Keep the proposal itself private, then share the news in person later that day.

If you'd like a record of the moment, a guided proposal can be added to any of these plans. With a guided proposal, I read a love letter you've created with me aloud just before you ask the question. I deliberately don't photograph that part, and once it's been read my camera comes up for the question, the "yes" and everything that follows. Polaroids that develop in your hands are tucked into your letter to keep.

What Should You Say to Them Afterwards?

Once your partner has said yes, the family will want to hear all about it. Share a photo, tell the story and thank them for their support. If you asked them beforehand, thank them for keeping the secret too. A little gratitude goes a long way.

Next Steps

If you're still working out the where and the when, my proposal ideas in North Wales post is a good place to start, and a winter proposal has its own pleasures. You can read more about me, see the services or get in touch.

Whatever you decide, the most important thing is that the question is asked from the heart, in a way that feels right to the two of you.